


The first secret

by Doctor_whatson



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24136675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_whatson/pseuds/Doctor_whatson
Summary: The first secret, that wasn't really a secret at all, was that the doctor had alot of secrets.What was a secret was how much pain there was behind these secrets he kept so well hidden.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor (Doctor Who)/Rose Tyler
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting and I'm open to constructive criticism:)  
> Also if I have done anything else wrong please do tell me.  
> This is on a loose base if canon but I am not really going to go checking to see if it "fits".  
> I will add more chapters. I am not doing a build up for nothing.

The first secret, that wasn't really a secret at all, was that the doctor had alot of secrets.  
What was a secret was how much pain there was behind these secrets he kept so well hidden.

Many people over the ages have claimed to know the Doctor, understand him. Even the likes of River Song and Missy would never truly know all that had happened to him.

When you look into a person's eyes, you can see if they have experienced much loss. You can see it in the Doctor's eyes a million times but you will never quite see the extent.

Surely grief can surface at the most unexpected times. This often happened with the Doctor. A sudden sadness that branched from familiarity if memory long ago. Familiarity not usually experienced by the company they kept.

Every companion has seen this at some point or other.  
It happened more and more as time went on. Memories of people the Doctor dared not tell their companions about. The older you get, the more secrets you have. Basic maths really. 

That many memories of lost people would make most people very sad. To an extent, the doctor was a very sad person too. It didn't usually surface, however.

But to quote the Doctor himself, 'The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.'

But the sadness did come back, sometimes.


	2. You got me a rose?

The Doctor had just been relaxing in the TARDIS, minding his own business when he got a message on the psychic paper. This had not come as much of a surprise. 

Coordinates. As usual. He sometimes wished River would contact him normally but this was decidedly more fun.

He flicked a few levers and pressed a few buttons and hoped they could get to the place he wanted. If by his own good driving or... a certain somebody else's help.

As if on cue, River burst through the door, dancing over to the Doctor. She placed a rose in his hand before going over to the controls.  
'Hello sweetie!'

His face dropped. 'You got me a rose?' he stuttered.

'I know! Isn't it so romantic!' 

'I'm sorry,' he mumbled, turning his back on her. 'I Just can't.' He ran out of the room.

Rose. His eyes flashed gold. He felt longing for her again as he did so very often. But not while River was here. She didn't deserve the baggage he still kept from long ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but this is more going to be a collection of short scenarios rather that a continuous story. :)


	3. Is that where you go?

'Is that where you go?' Yasmin asked, 'When you leave us to explore and you say you'll be back in an hour but you never are?'

The words seemed to echo in the Doctor's mind before they had even been said.

'Where do you go?'

'Home.'  
That was not a lie. But the definition of home to the Doctor had a much broader meaning than one might think.

She was at home in the laughs of old friends, in their smiles, even when all she could do was watch on in silence.

The time spent away, was time spent alone yet in a way not alone at all.

She sat on a park bench as two giggling children with bright ginger hair slid down a slide. Donna looked on, so very very happy, from a bench on the other side, unknowing of all the universes she had saved.

She couldn't tell you how many times she had reread and scrutinized every word of the Melody Malone books, hoping, wishing that a message would be hidden somewhere in the pages.

She had bought so many clothes at the shop where Rose worked. She would never wear them but she didn't care. Just the sight of her face every time she came was worth it.

She had gone back to Gallifrey once or twice. But the pain was too much. Her home was destroyed yet she could find it within herself to hate the man who had once been her only friend.

She was no liar. Most of the time. But she couldn't show her friends home. They would surely never understand.


End file.
